If you’ve ever lent Lagosians money, you already know collecting it back requires patience, prayer, and fasting. The excuses are delivered with so much confidence. Here are some of the greatest excuses you’ve probably heard (or used).
1. “My Bank App Wasn’t Working”
The national anthem of Lagos debtors. The app somehow crashes only when it’s time to send, never when they’re receiving transfers or buying food.
2. “I’ll Send It Tomorrow Morning”
Tomorrow morning never comes. It’s like Band E light; it shows up occasionally, but mostly when you’ve stopped expecting it.
3. “I Thought I Already Sent It!”
Delivered with fake confusion and real confidence. They’ll even open their app and scroll dramatically—“Ah-ah, I pressed send na!” These people deserve an AMVCA for best performance in “onigbese.”
4. “It’s Not Like I Forgot; I’ve Just Been Busy”
Busy doing everything except sending your money. The Lagos hustle has become the ultimate get-out-of-debt card. They’ll conveniently forget that you were not too busy to send them money.
5. “I’m Expecting Something Soon”
The most flexible excuse in Lagos history. “Something” could be a salary, refund, client payment, or destiny helper. Timeline? Undefined.
6. “You Too Calm Down, Na Small Money”
Translation: You won’t see that money soon. Somehow, the smaller the amount, the lower the urgency. It doesn’t matter if you’re in a life-or-death situation; the fact that you lent them the money automatically means you do not need it.
7. “Send Your Account Again”
This is the final boss. You’ll send it. They’ll reply with “Got it.” But you and your bank app will both keep waiting for an alert that never comes.
8. “Let Me Pay You Half Half?”
They’ve been ‘balancing small’ since Buhari was in office. You might want to balance your expectations, too. They’ll 5k and 2k you to death.
9. “I’ll Give You When I See You”
This is code for “you will not be seeing me.” After this statement is made, their visibility drops instantly, with no calls, no posts, and no trace. Even if you saw them on a mutual’s story partying, when you arrive at the venue, they are nowhere to be found.
10. “Something Came Up”
This is a classic. “Something” could be rent, a car battery, or a random family emergency. It’s always vague, always valid (to them). And all you get are more promises and assurances for next time.
If you’ve heard any of these this week, just breathe. Lagos will test your patience, but at least you’ve learnt your lesson, or you’ll get a good story (and maybe content) out of it.
