If you’re trying to understand the chaos, the cruise, and the pure energy of Lagos culture and lifestyle, you need to know one golden rule: in Lagos, packaging is everything. Welcome to Eko, the city where the hustle is relentless, the pressure is high, and everyone has a PhD in acting like they’ve finally secured the soft life.
These 10 types of Lagosians who think they’ve made it.
1. The Danfo First Class Passenger
For some reason, sitting in the front seat of a danfo automatically makes some Lagosians feel better than everybody else. Because they’ve escaped the chaos at the back of the bus, they now look at the rest of us as if they booked Business Class and start acting like assistant Danfo drivers, calculating change and negotiating with Agbero.
2. The Padel Player
Nothing is more annoying than those people that ‘claim’ to be play padel. Some of you play padel once, wear the complete outfit, take 75 pictures holding the racket and immediately add “padel girlie” to your personality.
We both know that lifestyle is not even sustainable with how expensive everything is in Lagos, but continue, the pictures eat ngl.
3. The New-Spot Inspector
Once a new spot opens in Lagos like this, these ones are already there. The moment you ask, “Have you been to this new place?” and they say yes, they expect you to start worshipping them immediately.
Yes, we get it. You were invited to the soft launch. You’ve eaten there and the owner greeted you. Congratulations. What exactly do you want us to do with this information?
4. The Raver
Every two market days, there is one rave or the other in Lagos, and somehow, these people attend every single one. If they actually enjoy the ‘oontz oontz’ music is what we don’t know. But somehow, they have a social media series on the raves they’ve been to and they know one or two DJs.
New level of coolness unlocked. We get it tho, raves are actually fun.
5. The Staff Bus VIP Passenger
You know those people whose offices have staff buses, especially those coaster buses. Once they enter that bus, they start looking through the window at everybody else like peasants. Especially those standing at the bus stop, waiting for regular public transport.
But can you really blame them? The level of ‘comfort’ is unmatched. They are the real corporate royalty. President General!
6. The Boba Tea Drinker
Boba tea is the new sign that you’ve made it in Lagos. But drinking it is not enough, you must also take pictures of it so everybody knows. One colourful cup, one giant straw and suddenly they’re behaving like they’ve discovered a sophisticated drink the rest of us are not advanced enough to understand.
Please calm down, it’s just tea with things inside.
7. The “I Know the Owner” Type
Every time they want to buy something or visit somewhere, the first thing you’ll hear is, “I know the owner.” You know the owner of the restaurant. You know the owner of the club. You know the owner of the brand. Only you!
Meanwhile, the so-called owner doesn’t even know their name and keeps calling them “Chairman” and “Boss”. Yes, you know the owner, but does the owner know you?
8. The Alté Person
“I don’t dress like everybody else.” “I don’t listen to mainstream music.” “I don’t really do what everyone else is doing.”
Okay, we have heard you now. You are mysterious and different. Come and collect your award.
9. The Fitness Evangelist
From time immemorial, people who work out and eat healthy have behaved like they’re better than everybody else. They’ve completed one morning workout and, before the rest of us have even opened our eyes, we’ve already seen the gym mirror picture, the step count and a motivational quote about discipline.
But can we really blame them? Working out consistently actually requires discipline. Still, calm down sometimes.
10. The Apple Ambassador
These ones own the entire Apple ecosystem: iPhone, MacBook, AirPods, Apple Watch and anything else Apple releases. If Apple manufactures a spoon tomorrow, they will buy it. Then they walk around with shoulder pads as if using Apple automatically makes you better than anybody else. In fact, to this day, we’re still waiting for one of you to explain exactly why every single device you own must be Apple.
There is nothing inside the Apple. You cannot even eat it.
