Being a big girl in Lagos is a full-time job. Apart from having enough money to live a comfortable life, you also need to know the requirements of living as one. Nobody gave us a manual on how to be a Lagos big girl, but somehow, we all know there are certain rules you just have to follow.
Here are 10 unspoken rules of being a Lagos big girl.
1. Have an Expensive Hobby
Pilates, Padel, Tennis. Your hobby must be something that is not only exclusive but also comes with a heavy invoice or, preferably, requires a membership that includes owning a house in Banana Island. You can’t just be having fun anyhow.
2. Live on the Island
What is Mainland? A type of drink? Even though we all know you lived on the mainland and only moved to your Lekki cubicle two years ago, you must move like you’ve only ever lived on the island. In fact, your parents own an entire street even though they have never even been to Lagos. Also, the only time you cross the Third Mainland Bridge is when you’re going to the airport. Anything else is a long-distance journey.
3. Only Spend Mint
Every cash you carry must be freshly printed, almost like Central Bank is operating from your backyard. Whether you’re tipping or spraying, the money must be mint. You can’t be looking this clean and bringing out tear-tear money.
If you don’t have mint, do transfer.
4. Drive German cars
Preferably a Benz. GLE, GLS, G-Wagon, basically any Benz with letters that can make a visual statement anywhere you go. Bonus points if you and your bestie drive matching ones, or you can match your car with your Birkin.
5. Never Look Like Your Problem
Your landlord may be chasing you for ₦10 million rent, or last weekend’s club bill may still be pending, but nobody must know. You must do everything but look like your problems, your hair should always be laid, nails done, lashes intact.
In fact, Nigeria can be showing you shege, but it must never show on your face.
6. Own a Business. Any Business
There must be something you’re the CEO of, even if the entire company is you and your PA. Always call it “my brand” and say “we” when you mean yourself. What exactly does the brand do? Who are your customers? “I’m into a couple of things.
7. Appear Mysterious
Today, Monaco. Tomorrow, London. Are you in Lagos? Nobody is quite sure. People can see what you’re wearing, but they can’t tell where you got it. They know who your face, but can’t tell what your personality is.
And being online does not mean you’re available. Everybody can see you. Everybody cannot reach you.
8. Only Work With People With Clout
Every engagement must start with “How many followers do you have?” Your hairstylist, makeup artist and designer must be named people who are recognised. It doesn’t matter that you can get it cheaper somewhere else.
You need someone you can tag with your chest, and they can tag you too. You didn’t pay all that money for only your own followers to see the look.
9. New Year, New Face Card
It’s not only your wardrobe that needs an update. Your teeth, your chin, your lips, something must enter the new year looking different.
You must keep the upgrades coming until your old picture needs a proper introduction. And please, no throwback posts on social media. We’re on version 3.0, let people only remember the current one.
10. Every Appearance Deserves a Photoshoot
You don’t have to go out every weekend, but when you do, there must be proper evidence. Full-face beat, hair installed, outfit sorted, and professional pictures. If you can pay a lifestyle blogger for a feature, even better.
You may only be at the event for three hours, but the pictures will serve us for weeks.
